WARNING

This article is in no way serious, or to be taken seriously. It is a satirical take on discernment blogs that believe that the eclipse is some sort of sign of the end of the world.

Amillennialists: calm down, go cry somewhere else.

Post-millenialists: keep being your optimistic self.

Pre-millennialists: take a joke.

Dispensationalists: hold on to your ‘Make America Great Again’ hats.

Reader discretion is advised.


Well folks, the moment that John Hagee and his followers have been waiting for: the solar eclipse. Many of you probably don’t know the truth about the solar eclipse because CNN and NASA have been lying to you. The truth is that today will mark the first time mankind has ever seen a solar eclipse. Thankfully, we Americans will get the best view of the eclipse because God loves us more than those pesky Europeans.

Now, the prophecy of the solar eclipse is about to be fulfilled. In 2 Revelation 1:10 it says the following, “Thusly, whence the blood moons shall pass, cometh the second prophecy.” What is this prophecy you ask? Look at the following verse: “Behold, thou shalt see the sun blotteth out by the moon, and the people shall behold the light, and shall be blind, for there were no eclipse glasses at ye old Home Depot.” It is written!

Listen to me: everyone is wrong, and I’m the only one right on this. The only true way to understand the eclipse is that it is a shadow of the destruction of the earth. Yes my friends, this impending doom will strike this very world we live in. Repent, and pray to…God…I think? *looks through script* Send me money?? *turns page* Oh yes, sorry. Yes! Pray to God!

Some of you heathens are still doubting my end-time prophecy. Well, I’ll have you know that I dreamed this two nights ago, and God frequently talks to me. That’s right! God has told me that everything I have predicted is right. He also told me to tell everyone that I don’t have schizophrenia. He also said don’t check my medical records. He also said that you need to stop googling my name… just believe me ok?!?

Anyways, God spoke to me, and in that dream where he spoke to me, he told me that there’s only one way to save ourselves. That’s right, there is a way out. *looks at script* As sure as my hair is real and that I don’t have bi-polarism, the rapture will take place exactly 3 years, 6 months, 3 days, 6 hours, and 3 minutes from now. Some of you might ask where I got this number? 3+6+3+6+3=21. 21+70=91, which will be the constant temperature of the rapture day from midnight to midnight. Daniel’s 70 Weeks is obviously at play here.

Then, God told me, at the time of this rapture, you must have a deposit of $350 sent in to me or you will not be raptured. For an extra $350, we will have unbelievers on stand-by to insure your pet. You wonderin’ how we came to this dollar amount? Well, my dearly beloved here is how: 7 is the number of perfection, times that by 100, and you get 700; because of the graciousness of God, he has split this number in half for your rapture deposit. However, that’s not all.

Act now and you will be able to stop your enemy’s rapture with only 7 payments of $7.77, perfect gift for your in-laws or ex-wife. Don’t forget, we are still selling our “Get-Outta-Hell Free” card, with just a low, low price of $7,777. Don’t worry about that pesky holiness, sin and comfort are just a grasp away. Reach for your telephone right now and call 1-777-RAPTURE. That’s 1-777-RAPTURE. Operators are standing by. If you order now, we will even throw in our new best-selling books 17 Reasons You Need to Give Me Money and Biblical Algebra: You Thought You’d Never Use It.

This is all true, and God told me it is, or my name isn’t Kenneth Hinn-Hagee Moneybags III.


Hope you enjoyed this satire of crazy end-times prophecies from the dispensationalists as much as the Reformed Alliance team did. Enjoy the eclipse! 🙂

P.S. Don’t look at it; otherwise, you’re falling for the North Korean’s trap.

Soli Deo Gloria.